Pensees: When Satan Tempts Me to Despair

When Satan Tempts Me to Despair

Recently I was encouraging a woman to use her gifts in the Lord’s work. She responded with sincere, unpretentious self-deprecation, “Maybe someday, but right now I just feel so unworthy.” My response probably surprised her: “Oh, but I hope you never feel worthy! Ministry is a mercy from God. It’s grace. You are never more fit to use your gifts for the blessing of the church than when you feel most unworthy.”

But is it not often an acute consciousness of our unworthiness and guilt that often turns our ministry into drudgery?

There is a subtle, satanic attack on a ministry that God is using that most of us who are in God’s work are not prepared for: It is the sickening feeling of shame when one’s heart condemns him in the middle of his prosperity. When we are not successful Satan makes us complain and despair that we are not enjoying visible blessings for our work. We know about that kind of temptation.
Everybody talks about that one. But when we are enjoying tangible blessings in our ministry Satan tricks us into a debilitating sense of unworthiness that threatens to abort the progress of our work by causing us to act and talk in a way that is defeatist purely and simply because we know that we are getting better than we deserve.

The rationale is logical, but in a Gospel sense, it’s twisted. I am unworthy of the blessings that God has given this work. God knows me and I know myself. It is presumptuous of me to take any credit for the work He is doing, it’s all mercy, so it is also presumptuous of me to invest more time and work even harder to take advantage of the successes we are enjoying. And my private struggles with anger, lust, sin, laziness, coldness, and self-love are too strong and regular to let me believe that God will not lower the hammer soon on my work and everything that I touch. I should just pull back and be more humble, less pretentious, and just survive.

Logical, yes, but void of Gospel truth. And it is the Gospel that restores joy. It’s joy that gives strength.

This kind of temptation is Satanic. And the scheme is really, really old. Ezra recounts how the people of the land tried to discourage the people of Judah from rebuilding the walls of the temple by sending a letter to Artaxerxes in which they reminded him about the history of the city of Jerusalem. It is a “rebellious and wicked” city, they said, and they strongly recommended that the king do a search in the archives of his predecessors because he would find out for himself what kind of city Jerusualem really was. Sure enough, Artaxerxes found that Jerusalem “from of old” (4:19) was a rebellious and seditious city and immediately called for the cessation of work.

These tactics are just like Satan. He knows us well enough to shame us out of our confidence. He loves to remind us about our history. He is au courant with the seamy details of our lives, the hidden rebellions, the private doubts, the prayerlessness. He is absolutely sure of the facts. “Do a search,” he says, “and you’ll find out what this Christian is really like.”
John Bunyan captured it beautifully in The Pilgrim’s Progress. Apollyon was attempting to discourage Christian from progressing in his pilgrimage and assaulted the pilgrim, not with lies, but with facts!

Apollyon: Thou hast already been unfaithful in thy service to him, and how dost thou think to receive wages of him?

Christian: Wherein, O Apollyon, have I been unfaithful to him?

Apolloyon: Thou didst faint at first setting out, when thou wast almost choked in the Gulf of Despond; thou didst attempt wrong ways to be rid of thy burden, whereas thou shouldst have stayed till thy prince had taken it off; thou didst sinfully sleep and lose thy choice thing; thou wast also almost persuaded to go back at the sight of the lions; and when thou talkest of thy journey, and of what thou hast heard and seen, thou art inwardly desirous of vainglory in all that thou sayest or doest.

Christian: All this is true, and much more, which thou has left out; but the prince whom I serve and honor is merciful and ready to forgive; but besides, these infirmities possessed me in thy country, for their I sucked them in, and I have groaned under them, been sorry for them, and have obtained pardon from my prince.

All this is true! And more! But Christian responds with the Gospel! He doggedly clings to mercy. His own heart recalls even more than what Apollyon has mentioned and now, though it condemns him, he is finding Gospel reassurance in his merciful Prince, an assurance he claims by faith.

It’s not blessing that gives boldness; it’s mercy. Those ministers who preach the Gospel most effectively are those who reassure themselves by the Gospel most regularly. In a sense, they’re always getting saved! “My mouth will tell of your righteous acts (plural), of your deeds of salvation (plural) all the day, for their number is past my knowledge” (Psalm 71:15, ESV). On the basis of our justification we can earnestly plead for sanctification. On the basis of having been saved we can pray for more salvation. It’s God’s plan! “What shall I render to the Lord for all his benefits to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation” (Psalm 116:112).

How can I best glorify God for his gracious salvation of me? I’ll take more, please! “With joy you will draw from the wells of salvation” (Isaiah 12:3)! Keep drawing, brothers! Keep drawing!

In a recent message for my congregation (which a witty member entitled, “A Cure for the Common Cold Christian”) I suggested that every time we approach God we ought to pray for salvation. “He will save their people from their sins,” the Scriptures say. Do we still have lingering sin? Then let us pray for salvation. In essence this is what we pray when we pray the prayer that Jesus gave us to pray on a daily basis: “deliver us from temptation.”

What is it that afflicts us? It is our sins. The Gospel is the power of God for salvation (Romans 1:16) and there is nothing that saves a Christian, a pastor (!) from his sins like fresh appeals to His Savior for mercy and grace. The Gospel is always powerful to him. He’s always being saved! “To those of us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1 Corinthians 1:18).

Ministry will bog down sometimes when we forget to be saved. Joy is lost when we are pressing forward in our own self-righteousness. But when we stand before a congregation on Lord’s Day and our heart has experienced the miracle of refreshing, the cleansing of confession, and the joy of forgiveness we preach with a power that cannot be missed. Our hearts condemned us, but our Saving God has once again proven greater than our hearts.

“By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our heart before him, for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything” (1 John 3:19).

He knows everything! Yet, he has saved us. And he will continue to save us from our sins as we press on with the work we don’t deserve to have. And that gives energy!

When Satan tempts me to despair
Upward I look and see him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
Because the Sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me.