Pensees: The Dark Side of Christmas

The Dark Side of Christmas

Several years ago I asked Amy Johnson (wife of Pearson Johnson, Inter-city Baptist Church) if I could publish the following article on my blog. This year I’m finally getting around to it. Amy’s message is important. I think everybody should hear it, particularly pastors. One thing that I have learned over the years is that Christmas time is not a happy time for everybody. I personally have nothing but very pleasant and sentimental memories. It’s the happy time of year for me and it has always been that way. In fact, part of the happiness of Christmas time is the memory of past Christmases. But for many people the Christmas season evokes painful memories.

If we want to live with others in mind, especially as pastors, we need to make a conscious effort to empathize with all the feelings of the season, even those that are not at all in harmony with our happy sentimentalism.

Offering Help to a Broken Home
Amy Johnson

Divorce? That will never happen to my family! Have you ever thought that about your home? My parents’ marriage would have been the last on earth to end in divorce, so I thought. But it did. I was fifteen years old. Unfortunately, alarming numbers of marriages today end in divorce. Even sadder is that the divorce rate is just as high among so-called Christian families.

It was a cold December night when my family changed forever. We were getting ready for our church’s annual Christmas banquet, hosted by the deacons, one of whom was my Dad. I was anticipating a fun night of serving for the dinner and attending a youth group activity afterward. My Dad came home from work that evening and was greeted by six excited children. But something was much different with Dad that night.

Agitated and distracted, he sat at the edge of his bed, and with his head buried in his hands, he began to weep uncontrollably. It was as though something had snapped inside him. There was nothing my mother could say or do to help or comfort him. None of us spoke as he proceeded to the basement where he retrieved a large suitcase.

The older siblings comforted the frightened younger ones who cried, sensing something was terribly wrong. Dad disappeared into the bedroom, packed several belongings, and then headed for the back door. He left broken and without a word. The back door shut and Dad never returned home again.
Sounds shocking, I know. We did not see it coming, and looking back, there were few signs that would have caused us to anticipate it. That cold night I was sent to the banquet and youth group activity overwhelmed with fear and uncertainty. It was the first of many days and weeks that we spent keeping a lonely and terrible secret. Eventually the shame of it all came out. Stunned family, friends and church members learned that this respected Christian leader had left his wife of sixteen years and his six children.

I still get a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach as I recall these events. As startling as it may sound, as a teen I sometimes struggled more with hurt, frustration or bitterness toward fellow believers than I did toward my own father who had left us. We experienced some stares, avoidance, hurtful comments, whisperings, speculations, false judgments, accusations, but more than anything, a general lack of concern. Some were quick to comment, but slow to act. I am forever grateful for those selfless and sacrificing Christian brothers and sisters who showed compassion and extended help to our hurting family. It is their Christ-like example that I try to follow when meeting the needs of others around me.

God’s Word is sufficient for all circumstances of life. Hurting believers need to experience its strength, comfort, instruction, correction, forgiveness, cleansing and hope. We know that God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16), but spouses or children who find themselves in the midst of it need to know that God is still sovereign and in control of their lives, because without God, life is hopeless. Share scripture and truth with them to help battle feelings of abandonment, loneliness, frustration, anger, bitterness, hurt, guilt and fear. Rather than quoting Romans 8:28 in passing, take time to write out or explain the rich truths that Paul teaches in that passage about God’s election in salvation, the security that we have in Him and the unsurpassable love of Christ. Share the precious truths of Hebrews 13 that God will never leave us, that He is our helper, and that we need not be afraid. Or of Deuteronomy 32 that describes God as our Rock, that His work is perfect and that He is faithful, righteous and upright. Psalm 68 describes God as a Father of the fatherless. Use God’s Word to help others who face the sting of divorce.

A child of divorce often feels like they’ve lost not just one parent, but both. While one parent may leave to follow a life of sin, the other is left devastated, confused, or angry. Mothers are sometimes forced to seek outside employment. Legal matters can be messy and drag on for months. Children have feelings of being torn, disloyal or responsible for the break-up. Take advantage of this tender time in a young person’s life. Give them your attention, your time, your love and concern. A strong relationship with God is vital in their lives. Help lead them to Him. Otherwise, bitterness may consume them, or they may be tempted to seek comfort in sinful habits, wrong friends, or other activities that may mask or push aside their hurtful surroundings.

I am grateful to those Christian people who invested their lives in my family. There were those who somehow knew to leave Christmas gifts on our doorstep when my mother couldn’t afford them. Many evenings one faithful Christian woman would come to sit with my mom. Mom needed company and conversation to ease her loneliness. This dear lady sacrificed her time to pray with Mom, listen to her, and meet any needs she had. There were a couple of single college guys who took my brothers to ball games or out for ice cream, but rarely did a father ask them to join his own boys for an activity. I longed for someone to spend time with me. Our assistant pastor and his wife faithfully attended every legal meeting with my mother. That pastor also bravely taught us teenagers how to drive! On the day my parents’ divorce was final, after observing in the courtroom, I returned to school to find a special card in my locker from a former youth pastor. All these acts of kindness and displays of Christian love helped us greatly and are still etched in my memory.

Perhaps the greatest impact on our family came from those people who faithfully prayed for us. There is one particular elderly couple who made it a priority to fervently pray for all six of us children on a daily basis. God heard and answered the prayers of these godly people. As a result we have grown up to love and serve God and among us is a pioneer missionary, a youth pastor, a pastor’s wife and younger ones studying at a Christian college with a desire to serve God with their lives. (To God alone be the praise and glory.)

You may not have experienced divorce in your family, but certainly there are those around you who have. Many want to help, but few actually do. It is better for you to stumble over your words or actions, than to remain silent. As part of the body of Christ, we are to encourage one another, pray for one another, bear one another’s burdens, weep with one another, exhort, teach, comfort, and so on. This holiday season is a perfect time for you to reach out and help a family in need. Many of life’s special events are clouded after a divorce occurs. Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, and births can be hurtful or awkward. Holidays are no exception. There are encounters with in-laws or the divorced spouse. There are feelings of sadness and loneliness. There are legalities that require visitation rights and the necessity of sending away your children, even against their will. There is a sense of not fitting in when attending church events where most everyone is part of a couple. While certainly the emphasis of the Christmas holiday is to celebrate the incarnation of Christ and His offer of salvation to mankind, the celebration can be a struggle when in the midst of, or having gone through a divorce.

This Christmas, look around you. I am frequently guilty of being too busy with lesser important things or too concerned with my own family’s needs while neglecting those around me. First of all, ask God to strengthen and protect your own marriage and watch out for the wiles of the devil as he subtly attacks your family. Also, do not forget that the holiday season affords great opportunities to share the gospel. A hurting family in your neighborhood, office, or school may be very open, tender and anxious to hear about the only One who can truly fill their void and meet their most important need of forgiveness of sins and a right relationship with Jesus Christ. Include a broken family or a child of divorce in your family’s holiday celebrations. Make a meal, send a card, share scripture, spend time, give gifts, and most importantly pray that God will be at work in and through their lives to the praise of His glory.