March 11, 2006
American Girl and American Sucker
Okay, I need to purge. A public humiliation, self-abnegation, and verbal sackcloth and ashes are due. I am an American Sucker.
There, I said it.
Now, for an explanation that hopefully gives only enough information to edify and still avoid the lurid, titillating, juicy details that would glorify extravagance in the minds of my readers and make them secretly wish they had a testimony such as mine. Here are the facts, folks (love the sinner, hate the sin): I took my daughter and wife to “high tea” at the American Girl place in downtown Chicago.
High Tea. “High” is for price. “Tea” is for teed off, just spelled differently. The tea was a prodigal waste, the rip-off of the century. Yet I, in spite of my sixth sense screaming for my attention, meekly followed my two ladies into the pink vortex. I did not stand up in the name of common sense. I did not even attempt to verbalize a guilt trip about remembering poor, starving Ethiopians or something. I wilted, overwhelmed by the feminine powers of the only two ladies in the world who could compel me to such extremities. Yet as I sank my teeth into the crusty, dried bread, I came to my senses and swore I would do public penance, a shame-faced mea culpa, and banish myself from that place for at least another year.
Actually, I liked the store. At least as much as a grown man who never has had any dolls and who really doesn’t want dolls can like a doll store, I liked it. I liked it in the same way I like going to a friendly, chit-chatty phlebotomist. The friendly chit-chat is appreciated, but one is still keenly aware of the unnatural penetration of sharp metal into one’s skin. It’s very much the same when I go to a doll store with my ladies: friendly people, but still unnatural for me. I don’t think I could get addicted.
But I must say as a father who is very much interested in my daughter’s development into a woman of grace and culture, I don’t have all that much against the store itself. My readers will be happy to know, as I was, that Jess had a very positive home-schooling experience. I didn’t know Jess until I went to the store, but I instantly realized how abysmally behind the times I am. Everybody knows Jess. While my wife and daughter browsed, I satisfied my book craving and read Jess’ entire biography in one sitting. It wasn’t long because she is only about ten years old, I think. Nonetheless, the store and the American Girl have some qualities to be appreciated. I’ll say more about that later. Right now, I’m ranting about the “high tea” that cost me an arm and a leg and nearly every drop of my already-nearly-depleted sanctification.
We had been told by several friends that it was a good experience and worth it. I have a number of friends who have American dolls in their homes and I trust them as men of wisdom and character, but now with the unambiguous lucidity of hindsight I distinctly remember some of the men shifting nervously as their wives and daughters glorified the whole experience. In fact, I recall now with unsparing clarity the unnerving fact that they could not look me straight in the eyes during that conversation even as they verbally affirmed what a lovely experience I was destined to enjoy. I should have picked up on that. I should have realized that they were suckers too; men who love their little girls and therefore very vulnerable to occasional stupidity.
I cannot judge them. I am a man of like passions and weaknesses. I can only wish that when our wives and girls are talking dolls we could develop a secret code that signals “Run for you life,” “Play sick,” or “Never take a family vacation to a city where one of those stores exists. Save yourself, brother!” No, no. Unfortunately, it’s not that way. Instead, we daddies for some reason take secret pleasure in doing the ridiculously extravagant for our little girls and then miserably attempt to justify ourselves to our own clamoring common sense by letting other daddies get suckered into the same thing.
Most of my friends have vocations that compensate monetarily much more than my own vocation so seventeen dollars for a tiny luncheon doesn’t have quite the same effect on them as it does on me. But for me, seventeen bucks for a bad sandwich, a bad drink, a bad salad, a bad fruit kabob, a bad desert, and bad service is a BAD deal.
Seventeen dollars?!, you gasp. Yes – gulp – seven and ten whole US dollars, enough to buy a quality used book or three McDonald’s menus. A book would have provided hours of pleasure and edification and the McDonald’s menus would have tasted better. Much worse, it was seventeen buckaroos PER PERSON! (Can you sense my exasperation?) Seventeen times three is – well, it’s too painful to do the math. I could have made better sandwiches in my sleep and bought a book or two to give to my future bibliophile son-in-law. Instead, we had HIGH TEA in a room with dolls. So who cares if they have a little doll highchair for your daughter’s doll and a miniature cup for the baby?
I should care, I guess. I have two American girls in my life. I am married to the grown-up one, and I father the other one. The grown-up one and the little one both liked it. What else can I say? They probably feel that it would be worth me getting a second job just to cover that one event. My grown-up American girl thinks that memories are better than stuff. She thinks that memories can be made with little monetary output and lots of creativity (she often does it that way) or they can be made with a little extravagance now and then. Either way, memories are never free. The best memories cost something. Always. But memories last forever.
So, once I get my watch, favorite shirt, piano, and gold fillings back out of hock, I might meekly get suckered all over again. And behind the obligatory macho muttering of common sense, I’ll be secretly pocketing away memories that will always be precious to me — even more than seventeen times three.
Oh, well. Tough luck for my future bibliophile son-in-law.
Posted by Bob Bixby at March 11, 2006 04:56 PM | eMail this entry! | 1085 WordsThis entry was posted in the following categories: Humor
Bob, you had me laughing out loud on 5 or 6 different occasions. Good stuff. Hilarious.
Years ago, the fact that I actually know what you’re talking about—that I know the names of my girls’ girls (Samantha and Nellie, if you’re wondering), that I know which outfits and accessories belong to each of them, or that I know that the difference between a Bitty Baby and an American Girl—would have bugged me. But now I’m won over. I’ve stopped fighting them. Now I sit down to take in the latest American Girl movie, right between my beauties. Now I sit down with them as they memorize the newest catalogue. (If you’re daughter-less, you think I’m exaggerating.) And, like my girls, I could have torn the eyelashes off the little boy (of course) who tore the eyelashes off my Rachel’s Bitty Baby a few years back.
The lesson learned about the danger of being near boys was worth the permanent mutilation, I might add. (“Bitty Baby: $42. Tears over lost eyelashes: plenty. One more proof that all boys except Daddy are evil: priceless.”)
Anyway, get over it, Pop. Take down the macho “it was terrible” façade. You’ll pay it again, and one day you’ll wish you could. I know this because, like you, I love my American girls even more than they love theirs.
(cha-ching)
Posted by: Chris Anderson at March 11, 2006 05:40 PMAwww, what a good daddy! And, not to meddle, but did you make this supreme sacrifice without reminding everyone that you could have served a similar (but more tasty) dinner at home for a fraction of the cost? :) I’m impressed!
It’s interesting to me to compare how girls differ (although I must not use the “L” word—little—for fear of offending mine!). Our daughter wouldn’t have cared a thing about a tea party at the American Girl Place—now, a trip to Breyer Horses, that would be quite a different story! Doting on stuffed animals and everything horses, she has just requested a “horse” birthday party. Hmmm, what shall I serve? Oats, molasses, apple and carrot slices. Yummm.
Makes me glad once again to have boys! ;-)
Posted by: blestwithsons at March 11, 2006 05:57 PMPastor Anderson, a thought just occurred to me. The little boy who tore the eyelashes off your Rachel’s Bitty Baby—might his anonymous initials have been C.A., and might he have been acting (anonymously) out of a desire to prove to said daughters the evil nature of all boys except Daddy? (insert wicked grin)
Just wondering in VA.
Posted by: Lyn Marshall at March 11, 2006 05:59 PMChris, you’re one of the fathers I trusted. I expected so much more from an OBF Fundamentalist pastor with FOUR girls. But you do suggest value that I haven’t thought of before. So reluctant thanks.
Posted by: Bob at March 11, 2006 06:07 PMI love it.
My oldest has Nellie, my youngest has her Bitty Baby. And with Chris, I have changed outfits, brushed hair, looked over the same catalog until I have it memorized, and read Nellie’s bio to my daughter’s undivided attention!
We live close to the NY store and are considering a visit in the future! Now, I know how the tea will taste.
However, in the middle of those two girls I have a boy. To my great dismay (at times) he too has learned to play with dolls!
Now granted he must be respectful of their things, so destroying their dolls is not an option. However, the other extreme of cuddling with the dolls, carrying a purse and pushing a stroller - well that is when I know he needs some testosterone time! So I find relief from American Girl and we go sword fight, shootem up and race cars!
Posted by: Joe Fleener at March 11, 2006 06:15 PMLyn,
I did manage not to say anything at the doll place, although my wife is insisting that I post a picture that my daughter took of me “babysitting” Bitty Baby while they browsed the store. She thinks my expressions speaks louder than my words…
Confession is good for the soul…
Posted by: Bob at March 11, 2006 06:29 PMBob,
Be careful who you trust, man. I don’t know why you expected anything different from me, other than the fact that you’ve been taking in too much of Phil’s caricature of fundamentalists:
“Doll and Devil both start with D, missy! Amen?! And Britches and Boy both start with B! Amen?! Sweep that floor, girl! Amen?! Recite you ABC’s and 1611’s, young lady! Amen?!”
Anyway, if you couldn’t hold out with 2 assailants, what made you think I’d hold out with 5? I tried the whole “name, rank & serial number” thing, but they wore me down.
_______
Lyn,
I’m not as mischievous as you, but I like the idea. I’ll tuck it away for a time when a boy seems to be winning their favor, and then I’ll invite him over for Sunday lunch and ask if he’d like to hold one of the girl’s already-plucked dolls. He’ll never know what hit him!
MU-HAHAHA!
Posted by: Chris Anderson at March 11, 2006 06:36 PMYou’re right, Chris. And as we can all see from this picture here, you don’t stand a chance. Your photographer was brilliant to put you on the ground with your daughters sitting on top and around you! That speaks volumes and really highlights my denseness for having hoped to get any guidance from you! Who could withstand FOUR precious little daughters like that, not to mention a wife to boot! Yours is a lost cause, brother. Get a second job or do like Rick Warren and right a shallow book that says nothing. It’ll sell like hotcakes.
My wife works at that American Doll store. I am quite offended at your rant about it. If it was that difficult, why not just walk out and pick your wife and daughter up later? It seems you just want attention for something that most of us do out of love for our family. Grow Up!
Brent M.
Does satire have one ‘t’ or two?
Posted by: Chris Anderson at March 11, 2006 08:10 PMBob,
I’m glad someone else caught that aspect of Chris’s family pic besides me.
I am also very glad that we live very far away from LA, New York City and Chicago. My own three daughters were keenly aware as we drove through New York state on the way to Grandma’s house in Michigan they we were closer than normal to an American Girl Place. How sad it was for me to inform them that our journey would take us well away from the Big Apple…
Anyway, thanks for the warning. :)
Posted by: Greg Linscott at March 11, 2006 08:24 PMBrent,
I think most people can tell that my rant is hyperbole (especially with the image of smiling me with my smiling daughter). And you’ll be happy to know that my daughter and wife would have not wanted me to go across the street to Borders because my macho mutterings were so restrained that only my wife of fifteen years could discern it. And even then she had a pleasant time.
You might not be happy to know that my wife, who has a home economics degree and is certified by whatever to do whatever in Illinois restaurants noticed a number of significant problems in the service and food. My wife is very, VERY, NON-confrontational and she — this shocked the living daylights out of me — said that she would write a letter to the AG establishment to register her concerns.
However, you will be happy to know that I, a man who makes decent sandwiches and is not at all reluctant to be confrontational, even admitted in my rant that I will go again because, as I said (did you not read it?), I like the store.
Unfortunately, you will be unhappy to know that good businesses (as I presume the American Girl to be) would be more unhappy with your taking offense than with helping them win more clients by graciously seeking to rectify the problem (although I realize it is your wife, not you, who is the employee).
You should be happy, however, because if you read the comments section you will find that I have no influence whatsoever on my friends. They will go anyway.
Unfortunately, you must be unhappy to realize that you are actually doing more damage to the name of that good business than I could ever do.
But be happy. For two reasons: Your wife has a job at a place that is sure to keep business for a long time. For example, I still don’t have Samantha and Nellie in my home yet. That’s job security. Secondly, better yet for you, no one (not even yourself) is obligated to read my blog. Of course, I am trying to get attention ;-)! What do you think blogs are about???? But whether I get it or not is out of my control! The blog is like a tiny bullletin board in a hallway a million miles long. I post stuff. Billions walk by. You are among the few that stopped to read. Thanks, by the way.
Finally, in seriousness. Don’t make too big a deal out of this, friend. I’m having fun being a daddy.
(But tell your wife to tell somebody to look into this!)
Posted by: Bob at March 11, 2006 08:30 PMI am writing in regards to what you wrote, what my husband wrote and what you wrote in response:
First of all, I am proud of you for taking the time to bring your family to our store. We rarely see dad’s enter our store. You must be a special, unique father.
Second, did you enjoy the tea and food? I strongly recomend Kirsten’s Cucumber Sandwich next time you visit us.
Third, I can see about getting you a discount since you are in the ministry. Do you have a master’s degree? If so, I think I can give you at least a 5% discount on all in-store purchases.
Fourth, being a religios person, may I recomend book for you to read with your daughter: It is one we sell called “Real Spirit”
This inspirational book helps you manage stress and develop holistic ways to relieve tension. By making plans for dealing with problems, learning about fun ways to relax, and reenergizing with easy yoga poses, you will feel more calm, confident, and ready to cope with any adventures life brings your way. Paperback. 64 pages.
http://store.americangirl.com/pls/ag/AG_pagestyle?catid=437590&groupid=437591
Thanks for your interest in our fine line of dolls.
Posted by: Brent's Wife (Carolyn) at March 11, 2006 09:44 PMCarolyn said: Third, I can see about getting you a discount since you are in the ministry. Do you have a master’s degree? If so, I think I can give you at least a 5% discount on all in-store purchases.
Wow! The answers from me are “yes” and “yes.” (Cha-ching!)
And THAT is why I read PEHN-seez!
BTW, a financial discount will make Bob relax more than yoga ever could. ;-)
Posted by: Chris Anderson at March 11, 2006 10:06 PMHad you planned ahead you might have offered to $ell the photo of you holding the Bitty Baby. :-)
Ga$ to get to Chicago - $12
Parking in nearby parking $tructure - $14
Lunch for 3 at AG Cafe - $60
Picture of Pa$tor Bixby holding a Bitty Baby - Pricele$$
$eriou$ly, my girl$ have di$covered the joy of the American Girl doll$. I had a $imilar experience on the fir$t $aturday of December, which, I wa$ told after the fact, i$ their bu$ie$t day of the year. One thing I noticed wa$ that almo$t everybody wa$ in good $pirit$, de$pite the long line$ and ri$ing temperature. The father$ all seemed to $mile at each other a$ if to $ay, “I feel your pain.”
My lunch experience wa$ fine. What killed me wa$ paying $15 to have the doll’$ hair done! It would have hurt me le$$ to have the money accidentally fly out of my wallet when I wa$ paying the taxi driver.
Ala$, the trip re$ulted in this picture, which I’ve actually put up in my office. A$$uming that a $mile is worth at lea$t a penny, looking at the picture ha$ made the trip an inve$tment that ha$ paid for it$elf many time$ over.
Posted by: Pat at March 11, 2006 10:08 PMHilariou$!
Posted by: Chris Anderson at March 11, 2006 10:14 PMCarolyn,
Thank you for the nice note and book recommendation (and good humor :-)), but the last time I tried to sit yoga style I pulled my gluteus maximus. Chris is right to say that the discount would alleviate a lot of my pain. I need to save your email address.
I wonder if you and your husband have actually read what I’ve said. You said,
Second, did you enjoy the tea and food?
Uh, no. That was the whole inspiration for my blog. I enjoyed (relatively speaking) everything but the food. I didn’t drink the tea though, so I can’t speak to that.
You suggested
I strongly recomend Kirsten’s Cucumber Sandwich next time you visit us.
As to Kirsten, I vaguely remember her. She seemed like a nice little girl. I had no idea she made cucumber sandwiches. My wife says I should remember her because she is a little Swede and my wife is Swede. (Thanks, Carolyn, for plunging me into a marital diplomacy crisis late Saturday night. Now, I’m forced to fake that I remember the sweet doll which is not impressing my ladies, and I will probably have to make a special run to Chicago to buy it just to prove that I would have bought it if I had been in my right mind at the time that I was admiring it with my wife and daughter because I was as impressed with it as I’m saying I was!—— Do you people get special training to make sales like this?).
Finally, you said:
First of all, I am proud of you for taking the time to bring your family to our store. We rarely see dad’s enter our store. You must be a special, unique father.
I’m proud of me too. That’s why I wrote the post in the first place. Albeit under the guise of a humble contrition of soul, it really was a statement of what a wonderful dad I am. I’m glad you picked up on that, but this whole project is getting extremely expensive. How much is Kirsten?
Pride certainly comes before a fall.
Pat -
Good idea. I should sell that picture. But the real question is where you find parking for only $14. Maybe that’s why you need a taxi?
Now, I’ve got to finish getting ready for tomorrow!
Posted by: Bob at March 11, 2006 10:44 PMBob,
Let me know and I will hold one of those Kirsten dolls for you. With your discount, assuming you have adequate schooling would be about $83. She is such a sweetheart!
I am sorry these other gentlemen seem to be offended by the price of our dolls and the store experience.We pride ourselves in quality and we do not cut corners.
On your visit, I would be glad to take you through our corporate headquarters and let you meet some of the corporate board members if you were to have financial questions for them.
Oh my, it’s been quite awhile since I laughed until I cried so much that it floated a contact right out (literally!). The thought of Pastor Bixby doing yoga for relaxation was too much!
Now the picture of you beaming at your daughter—that’s priceless!
Posted by: Lyn Marshall at March 11, 2006 11:05 PMMakes me glad my wife is having a little guy, and not a gal. Maybe next time, eh??? I’ll just take my boy to Cabela’s.
Great comment$, Pat. In your inimitable way, you $aid more than your word$.
Posted by: Larry at March 11, 2006 11:34 PMBob…that was the MOTHER of ALL Mea Culpas…wow…I must bow before the master and humbly admit that I, myself would have extreme difficulty and would not have done so well as you at sustaining a happy time with my own American Doll loving girls while spending that much money…thankfully the store in LA is not completely finished yet, and hopefully, when it is, I will be able to talk Grandma into taking them…hehehehe.
Posted by: NeoFundy at March 12, 2006 02:43 AMI was a creative writing major in college, and one elementary school teacher later recommended to me that I should write an American BOY series.
Now I’m not sure what to think about that idea.
And if Carolyn $ell$ thi$ idea to corporate headquarter$, I want a cut of the profit!
Posted by: Anne Sokol at March 12, 2006 06:33 AMBob,
If you arrive early enough most garages have early bird specials for around $14 for the day (as long as you are out by 7:30 p.m.). Coming from Rockford you also have the option of just driving to Harvard or Woodstock and taking the train in. My girls are still at the point where they think public transit is fun.
Larry,
I know that the consensus seems to be that daughters cost much more than sons. As the parent of two daughters I only see one side of that coin, so I can’t make an objective comparison. However, I think much of what the parent of a boy shells out is to reimburse other parents for things broken or damaged by their sons (see Chris’ comment above). My daughters treat their AG dolls with as much care as you or I would treat a Lalique vase. I’m only hoping that they are demonstrating the same degree of care that they will shower on me when I’m old and feeble (sans the cute little dresses).
One humorous postscript to my AG trip: We were spending the whole day in Chicago, taking in sites and shopping. Around dinner time I took the family to Ed Debevic’s. For those of you that might not be familiar with Ed’s, it’s a diner style restaurant that features a sassy (rude?) wait staff. My youngest daughter seemed intimidated by their performance. Since all I had was the AG lunch, I was particularly hungry. Just as the food was set in front of us and I was ready to bite into my burger, I felt my daughter tapping on my leg. I looked over and she had vomited up her entire AG lunch onto the table. So, not only did I get the pleasure of paying for the lunch, I was also able to clean it up with a stack of wipes at another restaurant eight blocks away.
Wow, the comments are almost if not quite a entertaining as the blog post!
Bob, I have so far resisted the power of the evil one, and my two daughters have not yet managed to convince me to take them, part of this is a result of them not enlisting their mother’s help in the convincing, and the fact that my home is a good 5 1/2 hours from the Windy City, the location of the nearest den of evil known as the American Girl store. If I lived in Rockford, I am sure the vortext of terror would have already pulled me in!
I do however have a couple American Girls in my house, and from the truth I could discern hidden in your well written satire, my own daughters have similar jedi powers, taking me to places and events that I would have said as a newly married macho man several years ago, “That’s for mommies”
Glad to see you will make sacrifices for the happiness of your princesses. While we do need to model and teach a sacrificial lifestyle to our children, the smile on your little girls face, and yours, in those pictures is well worth a few dozen junior bacon cheeseburgers.
Posted by: David Vawter at March 12, 2006 12:37 PMDid you share your Dr. Pepper with your wife? ‘Cause this reminds me of that Dr. Pepper commercial. You know the one that says, “I would do anything for love?”
If you really want to be a cool husband, you should buy your wife a Dr. Pepper on the way home from AG.
Posted by: Gordon Cloud at March 13, 2006 01:58 AMHi,
got to give my 5 cents
American girls are sure a favorit of many homeschoolers. Yet,Iam not impressed with their characters. Vision Forum has two Liberty Dolls dresses and the books that go with them.The books are filled with godliness and are wonderful. And then there is Elsi Densmore, to perfect to be true, but very thought provoking..Maybe it is because I am a German girl,but I just can’t get into the American girl stuff.Megan listend to one book on tape and some of the things she shared with me I did not care for.We stay with the Liberty girls.Check them out they are beautiful.
Aufwiedersehn
So the question is - next year when you get talked into the AG store will you be able to talk Patience into stuffing her Bitty baby’s diaper bag with edible sandwiches???
Posted by: Rebecca in Africa at March 14, 2006 04:20 PMHere is the site about Martina’s comment. It looks good: www.visionforum.com
Posted by: Anne Sokol at March 15, 2006 12:12 PM
